Remembering Jennifer still

Often on a particular holiday, or Sunday I will wear something that Jennifer gave me. It's my way of remembering her and having her still be with me. Sometimes it's because life is challenging for some reason or other. Then when I put on a bracelet or necklace she made (or gave me) I am reminded of her faith in me. I can hear her voice in my head praising me, encouraging me or believing in me. On Christmas day I wore a pair of little silver-bell earrings she gave me "way back when. " It's as if the item has been blessed by her love and still can be felt when I wear it.

Fall is in the air

This time of year always makes me think of Jennifer. When the air turns cooler, leaves start to change color and I start to see Halloween decorations - I think of her.

It was 3 years ago this month that I last saw her alive when I went to visit her in Little Rock, AR. We shopped for Halloween decorations, ate lunch out, had fun trying on clothes and went for walks. I still see her in the kitchen, I hear her encouragment, I feel her confidence and I remember her love. I can't return to that visit, but the memories make me smile today.

Happy Belated Birthday !

I am still somewhere in the month of June - I don't know how it became July already! Except that we have had some serious family challenges that have kept me stressed and distracted. In all honesty I still had the feeling that Jennifer's birthday was still a couple weeks away.

Strangest thing...on Saturday I saw a woman that reminded me of Jennifer. That has never happened before especially because Jennifer was "one of a kind"! This woman was just getting into her car and I'm sure I will never see her again. It made me stop and think about Jennifer. I wondered what it meant that I saw this woman on that day.

Saturday night I finished reading a book that was about a man searching for his wife who had been in a plane crash. Before she left to fly out of town they had gotten into an argument. Their rule was to always say "I love you" at the end of the day no matter what happened. She tried to call him to tell him she loved him, but she never reached him. The man believed his wife was still alive and throughout the book that is still a possibility... until the very end. He finds her dead. After he buries her he stays around to say, "I hope you can hear me sweetheart. I just want to say I'm sorry. And I want to say I love you. And I have to say goodbye". It reminded me that more often than not we don't get to say goodbye to our loved ones before they die. I will always be sad that I didn't take the time to talk to Jennifer less than 48 hours before she died! I can only be comforted because she knew I loved her and I knew she loved me.

Yesterday in church the closing song was "Each Life That Touches Ours for Good". That is really a hard song to get through without crying because I always think of Jennifer. When I got home from church I looked at the photo of her that is in our living room and I stopped and studied her for a minute. The only conclusion I came to is that she was a miracle and she still is.

I don't know how I still didn't remember it was her birthday! Until this morning I went to Michael's Craft Store. As I was walking around I spied a metal garden flower that reminded me of Jennifer. I bought it and thought I would send it to Jeff and so he could put it by her grave the next time he is in Kansas City. I went to pick up Leslie from swim team and when she got in the car I went to show her the flower. That is when it hit me! Her birthday!!! That is why I have been thinking of her all weekend and I even bought her a birthday present without knowing it. Thanks for the reminders Jennifer!


Love,
Janey

"Go to the garden"

My calendar has quotes as well cool pictures of nature. April's quote is "Go to the garden when you need to remember that everything is love." Every time I read that I think of Jennifer. She had an amazing "green thumb" and loved her plants like a mother loves a child. She beautified her yard wherever she lived, and she made the world a little lovelier.

Songs of the Heart

I love music and singing. These are the songs that remind me of Jennifer:

"Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Middler
"You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groben
"You've Got a Friend" by James Taylor
"Oh That I Were an Angel"

Really the titles say it all....

Eternally in her debt

I remember the events of Jennifer's last week of life so well. I remember how odd it was that I had not heard from her lately and her voice mail was full. Then we talked briefly 3 1/2 days before she passed away. She wasn't feeling good so we were going to talk later.

We played phone tag for a day, but then she called me Thursday morning as I was leaving for work. I wondered why she was calling when she knew I had to leave for work. My last words to Jennifer were "I don't have time to talk now, I have to go to work! I'll call later." I didn't ask her how she was feeling even though I knew she was sick. She was worried about something I had said on the phone and she wondered if something was wrong with me. I didn't thank her for thinking of me, 5 or 10 minutes would not have had any consequences for my work at all. We played phone tag again that day and later she did not feel well enough to talk on the phone. I just figured there would always be a "later", but this time later never came.

I have tried to change my life because of that experience. Just the other day I caught myself thinking, "I don't have time to do that", but it was something I told someone else I would do. It would only take as long as a phone call. Thankfully I stopped myself and made the phone call to help someone else. That is the kind of thing I really do have time for - the important "part". Life is all about choices... choices we are making every minute of the day.

I vowed that Jennifer's death would not be in vain in my life. I have tried to make myself a better person in the last year. I left my job to spend more time with my youngest two children and to be more present with them. I have made a career change to finish becoming a Certified Music Practitioner to serve others. I have tried to enjoy and appreciate being a Homemaker more like Jennifer did. I am trying not to sweat the little stuff because there will always be little stuff.

I have told Jennifer how sorry I am that I didn't choose "the better part" on the last day that I spoke with her. I have felt her forgiveness and love - knowing it is a small thing compared to eternity. She is happy and healthy where she is now.

Jennifer's love and friendship touched my heart, opened my heart, and strengthened my heart. I will always be eternally in her debt.

Friends forever,

Janey

From Jeffrey Roe

Jeff put together this video of Jennifer for all those that love and remember her. This is what he said:

My Valentines gift to you is this video of Jennifer's last 5 years. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQ_QPOwKPF8

Passing it on...

I just got back from the Women's Shelter. I delivered little goodie bags of sweet- smelling toiletries and some other things for the women and kids living there now. I tried to make the gifts look special in little red bags tied with ribbon for Valentine's Day.
When I originally talked with the Director on the phone I told her that I wanted to do this in honor of my dear friend who passed away a year ago. We talked for a few minutes today and she asked what my friend's name was. I told her a little bit about Jennifer and how she died suddenly. She said she wanted to tell the women this story because it would make the giving of the goodie bags that much more meaningful.
When I got out to my car I sobbed and sobbed. Jennifer was someone so special - giving love in her memory just felt like the right thing to do.

In Jennifer's Memory

In Jennifer's memory I decided to do a kindness or give service to someone at this time of year - every year. Since Jennifer died on Valentine's Day it seems appropriate to honor her in this way.
I wanted it to be about something Jennifer loved - the possibilities are endless! Jennifer loved family, the gospel, her pets and animals, she loved nature and gardening, girlfriends, baking and cooking, the youth, holidays, babies, crafts and sewing, looking nice, and smelling good! To name a few...
I decided to make up some Valentine goodie bags with lotion, shower gel, and body spray for a Women's Shelter nearby. This is because Jennifer loved to wear and use perfume! I am also bringing some books for the children and of course chocolate for everyone! This helps me feel as if I can still do something for her - that her love and kindness will live on.
Edward Everett Hale said, "I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do."

Janey

Janey Jane

I loved how Jennifer would call me "Janey Jane" to differentiate between her sister Jane and me. She was the only person who had that name for me. Jennifer seemed to make friends wherever she went whether it was to the grocery store, a restaurant, or out for a walk. She always remembered people's names and the things they said. When she asked "how are you?" - she really meant it.
I always wished I could be as caring as she truly was. She wasn't "fakey sweet"! She was just Jennifer, kind of indescribable! Like on her Facebook description she wrote " I am just so uncomplicated me...most of the time anyway."
Here's to you Jennifer!!

Love,
Janey Jane

Spread the LOVE

The other day Leslie said to me, "now Valentines Day will always be sad." I asked her "why?" even though I knew her answer. She said, "because Jennifer died on that day." I told her "No Leslie Valentines Day won't be sad. It is perfect that Jennifer died on that day." Jennifer was all about Love so it means I have even more reason to celebrate! I want to make sure on that day that everyone I know and care about hears from me that I love them.
I know that I will still be sad, very sad that day because it will remind me of all the events that took place that day and the few days before Jennifer died. I also know if it was a different day that she died I would be thinking only about her tragic death that day. Instead I will acknowledge my sad feelings, thank her for her gift of love to me, and then I will spread the love as far and wide, as abundantly and joyfully as I can!

Forever and always,
Janey

Take photos together!

I realize that it has almost been a year since Jennifer passed away. I feel like it can't be! As this year comes to a close I have a lot of feelings in my heart.

One of my regrets is that I only have two photos taken of Jennifer and me together in the last 25 years. One of them I know she did not like and the other one I do not like! We never know when our last time together with a loved one will be. Take lots of photos together! It doesn't even need to be a special occasion. Take photos laughing together, watching TV together, working in the yard together... I wish I had more photos of Jennifer and me together.

You are home for Christmas

I didn't write a post for Jennifer in December, but I had things that reminded me of her all month! I was happy that things worked out for Jeff and Aidan to move to NC at the end of November, but it hit me hard that they were leaving the house where I saw Jennifer last. I know that was selfish of me, but I just wasn't prepared for new feelings of letting her go.

I was also concerned how Jeff and Aidan would make it through their first Christmas without Jennifer. A time when we often think more about loved ones we are missing.

When I was in Little Rock for Jennifer's Funeral I used her car for a couple days while Jeff was in Kansas to bury her. When I hit the button to turn on a CD there was still a CD from Christmas in the player. I cried then when I realized it was her last Christmas on earth. I made a copy of that CD and it was one of the first things I pulled out last month, but I had completely forgotten what songs were on it because it was a CD made by Jeff. I cried again this time when I heard the first song by Rihana "It Just Doesn't Feel Like Christmas Without You".

When I took out ornaments for our Christmas tree there were several from Jennifer, Jeff and Aidan and one from Jennifer that I had again totally forgotten about. Even one of the boxes I store ornaments in is one Jennifer sent to one of my boys with peppermint toffee in it. I found saved Christmas cards from years past from the Roes. Sometimes those feel like little treasures to find, but other times it just makes me feel sad. Little do we know when our last Christmas on earth will be - it reminded me to cherish my family more while we were together this year.

I have to remember that where Jennifer is now it is like Christmas all the time!
"She is surrounded by Heavenly stars not just lights on the tree.
She gets to hear live angelic choirs not just a CD.
She gets to live in peace in heaven and not just hope for peace on earth.
She's given the Savior's daily love as we yearly celebrate his birth."

All my love Jennifer,
Janey